A Birthday Letter

May 25, 2010

29 years ago my Dad was tilling the earth when my mom went into labor. It was a rainy Memorial Day holiday. A day to celebrate those who had gone the way of the earth yet. And it was a day to bring a new life to mortal existence for my parents.

I was born and introduced to the lone and dreary world through the hospital window by my Dad. It must have seemed lone and dreary by appearances and by feeling, but being born of goodly parents, as my patriarchal blessing reminds me, must have been a great comfort to my old spirit born into a small, new physical body.

I’m really not trying to be poetic. I feel really reflective this morning. My life now has 29 chalk marks. That is three groups of ten years. That seems like a long time.

For nearly thirty years I have been out of the presence of my Father in Heaven. For 29 years I have had a veil placed over my mind. Am I proud of who I have become in my 29 years while separated from my Father?

I can pinpoint three large areas of shortcoming that have held me back from my potential. As I list them in my head and review them, remembering Ezra Taft Benson’s Pride talk I see that all of them can stem from pride. And then again as I list my setbacks and what the life of the Savior has taught me, I reflect on the gift I have been given in this life to know the Savior.

Where would I be with my setbacks if I could not list all of them and then immediately list to their side what the Savior did to show me the perfect way?

Some people in the world do not know the Savior. How selfish have I been? How hopeless must these people feel? Why do I not share the gospel more?

In my personal review, I think I should be farther along. Of course I hold myself up to a bar of pure goodness, and we all have areas where we need to improve.

I feel profound gratitude for the gift of time without distractions at BYU Women’s Conference once a year, and then time throughout the year at God’s Holy House where a perfect conduit to His presence can exist if I facilitate it, where I have received insight to my spirit, direction, correction, and answers. In just this last week I have felt some progress in an area of setback for me that brings me great peace, forgiveness, repentance, and a lighter load. At the same time as I feel happy and joyful in my healing, I also feel fearful that what is healing can rip wounded again in a matter of one moment, one decision, one reversion back to my old way of life.

However, I know and believe in the promise that if I “permaneced” in the way of the Lord, that is, and trying to translate this most appropriate word from Spanish, diligently stand fast while moving forward in ‘the way of the Lord’, that I need not fear.

I am contemplating a lot lately the things Sister Beck has taught us about putting the essential things first. This theme was emphasized again in our Stake Conference last week and I needed that second and inspired reconfirmation to this truth. Paraphrasing,

    “Satan does not need us doing bad things. That’s not how he will get the righteous. Satan would have us spending our time doing the non-important, the non-essential things, that take us away from doing the things that actual save us.”

Woah! Satan has found a new way to deceive!  A way to deceive the righteous! And he has totally deceived me.

How many “nice to do” things have I been doing before the “essential” and “necessary” things, thinking I deserve a break, I need “me” time? How many times am I bitterly doing the “necessary” things rather than graciously seeing how the “necessary” things facilitate the “essential” things?

From Sister Beck, “Nice to do” things are just that. They are nice. They add light, variety, and enjoyment to life. But they will not save us. However, if we will put the “essential” things first we may be surprised how many “nice to do” things we are blessed to get to.

This counsel has helped me more fully commit to not letting Satan win.

When I read from the Book of Mormon daily, and first, the power of the book will “reconcile” me to Him. I once studied the word reconcile. It means to “restore to friendship or harmony”, “make consistent or congruous”, “to submit to or accept”, and “to account for”. This is the promise of the Book of Mormon.

IfI will spend time with my Father in Heaven every day, in prayer, I can more fully “permaneced” in His path.

As I go to the temple and even replace that with some leisure activities in my life, I will more fully “permaneced” in Him.

Knowing that through these things I have the power to be shielded and protected from the adversary who wants to reopen my wounds and return me to sin is how I know and feel there is hope.

In 29 years away from His presence I am pleased in this way, that I know that I have my Father and that He lives. I have gained that testimony and knowledge while on this earth. I am pleased that I know His Son lives and that I want to get to know Him better. And I am pleased that I know that even in my weaknesses I know what the path is to protection and healing and perfection. I won’t be perfect at staying on it. I will have failings. But I know how to get back on.

So even if 29 years is a long time for less progress than I’d like, I am happy in a few things. I know where I came from, why I am here, and where I am going. And that’s something. That’s something big.