Too True

I can relate. You?

A Personal Entry

I used to be a love handicap. I realized my disability as a missionary in Venezuela. I kind of had this attitude:

"I don't want to like you. I don't want to love you. I know that one day I will be leaving this area, this ward, this country, this companionship, and if I love you and then leave you it will hurt. So I will put up a wall. Cause I don't want to feel hurt."

It happens in dating relationships, but for me, it happened in many social settings. How sad. I feel bad for anyone that knew me before I realized my handicap.

As a freshman at BYU I felt:

"I already have friends. I don't want new friends that are going to move away back to their home states. If I love you, then you leave me, it will hurt."

After a few companions in the mission field, I realized this was NO WAY TO LIVE. What is living for if you don't allow yourself to love? I pinky swore myself from then on that I would allow myself to LOVE, no matter how long a person would be in my life, comforting myself that perhaps one day we could all sit down in heaven together.

Isn't this sad? It is absolutely sad.

I have never been good at showing love. I want to be better. Tim and I teach the Gospel Essentials Sunday School class in our ward and last week our lesson was on Charity. One line:

"[The Savior] showed us how to love."

The week before on Service::

"Through service we increase our ability to love."

Isn't it amazing how little answers to your personal questions and weaknesses come so often when fulfilling a church calling? I loved this last quote, cause it doesn't say, 'Through service you love more.' It says, 'Through service we increase our ability to love.' Bingo. I like more ability to love.

Charity is such a broad and all-encompassing virtue and commandment. Thankfully this last week's lesson provided a measuring stick for Charity: How much compassion do we have? If we see we have and are gaining compassion for others, then our Charity is growing.

I am going through a trial right now. I have been struggling with Postpartum Depression for several months now. It is not easy. At times I feel very helpless, and so does my husband. But I know the end will come. And I know that I should not wish my trials away, but ask to be strengthened in my trials. I know...that through this trial I am gaining compassion. And I need more compassion. For compassion is Charity.

I realize that when this is all over I will be able to help other people that may struggle with this same thing, just as a dear friend of mine has helped me so much. I believe it is through God's grace that I knew to call my friend whom I knew had had Postpartum Depression when I needed someone to lean on. I am so thankful I have her to lean on, and that someday I may be someone that can be leaned on myself.

I don't really understand why emotional imbalances exist. It would seem to me that God would want us in top condition mentally and emotionally as to enable us to make wise decisions against truth and error during this probationary state. But all I can think of is, there must be opposition in all things. And one day I hope to understand all things, as He does, perfectly.

I have a private blog. And that allows me to write posts like this. Thank you for being the kind of family and friend family I can open my heart to. Writing and sharing is therapeutic.

With LOVE ;),
Candice

P.S. I finally posted new pics. See next post.

Dreaming

As my friend Tanya is probably saying, "Enough with the Hunger Games. Make with the baby!!"

(Beware. Possible overload of pictures. Scroll through fast if it is painfully too much. But I'm doing this for the grandparents! And my posterity. :)



I had the worst dream the other night. I dreamt that I was in college. I was flunking out of two classes. I was not going to graduate. I would not obtain the degree that I needed to support my family (I really needed this degree to support my family in my dream). That was my dream. And it was one of those dreams where your feelings are completely real and felt,and you are tossing, turning, sweating, and stressing. The burden you feel is so real. One of those dreams. I awoke and still felt so stressed. It took a few minutes to actually come to reality and realize that I was in fact graduated, had my degree, had no classes to flunk, and that my husband lovingly supports our family. I was so happy! So relieved! I spent the morning feeling so grateful to have the best job in the world. No classes to flunk, no tests to take, just two little kiddies that need me to feed them and play with them. And so I did. We spent the morning watching Finding "Meemo" and eating "knocks" (fruit snacks).

Repeat dream two nights later. This time I was going in to take a huge test that I had not studied for.

Fact: One of my worst fears is to show up unprepared. Sounds pretty general huh. But that sums it up. I don't ever want to be unprepared for any day, thing, or event. Of course I can't be perfect, but still, no matter how hard I try, to not try, I keep trying to always be prepared. (And by the way, I am really trying to work hard on stripping myself of my Obsessive Perfectionistic Disorder and I am miserably failing. Please send suggestions. And I already know it's all suppose to be small stuff, but it's just that there's a lot of small stuff!) That explains why I own a diaper bag officially titled " The Weekender" diaper bag. I use it for my outings to the grocery store, mailbox, you name it. You can imagine the bag I need for the weekend. After I explained to the lady at the diaper bag store the kind of things I'd need room for in a new diaper bag, she endearingly said, "Man, I hope you're around whenever I need something!" And you should hope I'm around too. I'm prepared! (But this can't last. I can't always haul around the kitchen sink, especially if we have more than two kids!)

So again, sweating, stressing, unprepared for a big exam! I woke up again. No test to take. Just mouths to feed and kids to laugh with.

Is this some sort of lesson from heaven so that I can realize how fantastic my life is?



Tim and I are LOVING the stage Trent is in. He is learning in leaps and bounds. Every day it amazes me that he is capable of what seems to be double his capability from the day before. The sad thing is that he is looking like he's a four-year-old. He's only 20 months. I now look back at his pictures from even just a few months ago, when he was still hanging on to little traces of baby fat, and now think, "Where is my baby boy?"

My son prays. All of a sudden he'll fold his arm and say, "pray." We stop. We pray. And everytime he says "Jesus Christ," he whispers it.

Being silly in a Seven Peaks tube.


Eating cake at Great Grandpa's birthday party. Grandpa Calder can't say no when Trent wants to eat cake with his hands. Well, can he say no to anything? :)


I love this. Trent wanted to get in the play gym TOO!


Wee Read at the Library. The one moment he was actually sitting still and listening. Had to take a picture.


Oh yes. He LOVES his "Goff". And Daddy LOVES that he loves his "goff".






S'more sticks from Grandma Tagge. Pretty sure he thinks it's a flute in the second pic.




I just loved this moment. At a park, summer day, watching my two boys walk towards me.

We don't know a lot about Hadley yet, but if we had to peg her with a one word description and personality prediction, it would be: SOCIAL. Hadley lights up. If you look at her, she will smile, and oh you are in for an earful. It is the most delightful thing. Oohs, aahs, goos, and squeals. Boy does she have a story for you. (Hmmm, what parent does she get the talk-your-ear-off trait from?) I just wish I had an equally exciting story for her! But her stories of angels and heaven and all of our family on the other side, well my stories don't hold a candle to that. It is SO FUN to listen to Haddles.

Seven Peaks. (Almost can't handle how cute Haddles' swimming suit is. Thanks Connie and fam!)



I had NO idea I was gonna love my little red head in yellow so much. Remember this sweater I found in the "blasted boxes"? Grandma Calder must have known about redheads in yellow.

When I was a little girl, every Christmas and birthday, I would ask for Barbies or Cabbage Patch dolls, and I always asked for the dolls with red hair! Tim says I must have known about my babies in heaven waiting to come.

Haddles, as we affectionately call her, really is a little twin to Trent. Two peas in a pod. And we think she is just beautiful.

I know, I know. She's crying. But it's just so adorable!

Why am I so surprised that my kids look like twins, exactly alike? They have the same parents! So why did I expect a baby with a full head of black hair? I dunno! I just don't like surprises, so I guess I prepared myself by expecting the opposite of what science and genetics would point to.

Yesterday, when I was trying to get something done and ignoring my sweet little kiddos as I often do (shameful confession), I finally gave in to Trent's need for attention, as I should have long before, and sat down to color with him. (I really am trying to figure out how to balance my life!) We had a picture from nursery of a mom, dad, big brother, little sister, and baby. Trent got the orange crayon and scribbled the big brother's hair orange, and the little sister's hair orange. True story. Maybe he knew this is how it was suppose to be all along.