A Personal Entry

I used to be a love handicap. I realized my disability as a missionary in Venezuela. I kind of had this attitude:

"I don't want to like you. I don't want to love you. I know that one day I will be leaving this area, this ward, this country, this companionship, and if I love you and then leave you it will hurt. So I will put up a wall. Cause I don't want to feel hurt."

It happens in dating relationships, but for me, it happened in many social settings. How sad. I feel bad for anyone that knew me before I realized my handicap.

As a freshman at BYU I felt:

"I already have friends. I don't want new friends that are going to move away back to their home states. If I love you, then you leave me, it will hurt."

After a few companions in the mission field, I realized this was NO WAY TO LIVE. What is living for if you don't allow yourself to love? I pinky swore myself from then on that I would allow myself to LOVE, no matter how long a person would be in my life, comforting myself that perhaps one day we could all sit down in heaven together.

Isn't this sad? It is absolutely sad.

I have never been good at showing love. I want to be better. Tim and I teach the Gospel Essentials Sunday School class in our ward and last week our lesson was on Charity. One line:

"[The Savior] showed us how to love."

The week before on Service::

"Through service we increase our ability to love."

Isn't it amazing how little answers to your personal questions and weaknesses come so often when fulfilling a church calling? I loved this last quote, cause it doesn't say, 'Through service you love more.' It says, 'Through service we increase our ability to love.' Bingo. I like more ability to love.

Charity is such a broad and all-encompassing virtue and commandment. Thankfully this last week's lesson provided a measuring stick for Charity: How much compassion do we have? If we see we have and are gaining compassion for others, then our Charity is growing.

I am going through a trial right now. I have been struggling with Postpartum Depression for several months now. It is not easy. At times I feel very helpless, and so does my husband. But I know the end will come. And I know that I should not wish my trials away, but ask to be strengthened in my trials. I know...that through this trial I am gaining compassion. And I need more compassion. For compassion is Charity.

I realize that when this is all over I will be able to help other people that may struggle with this same thing, just as a dear friend of mine has helped me so much. I believe it is through God's grace that I knew to call my friend whom I knew had had Postpartum Depression when I needed someone to lean on. I am so thankful I have her to lean on, and that someday I may be someone that can be leaned on myself.

I don't really understand why emotional imbalances exist. It would seem to me that God would want us in top condition mentally and emotionally as to enable us to make wise decisions against truth and error during this probationary state. But all I can think of is, there must be opposition in all things. And one day I hope to understand all things, as He does, perfectly.

I have a private blog. And that allows me to write posts like this. Thank you for being the kind of family and friend family I can open my heart to. Writing and sharing is therapeutic.

With LOVE ;),
Candice

P.S. I finally posted new pics. See next post.